I Want to Be a Three-Year-Old Boy

Oh how I would love to be a three-year-old boy! Here are the top 10 reasons it's great to be a preschooler:

10. Nap when you want, where you want, and if you want. If not...okay. If so...okay. Boo-yah! Being three is worth it for the nap factor alone.

9. When you cry, someone mashes you into her breasts and tells you how fine everything is going to be. (Compare this to 30 years into the future, when your crying will be met with "For Christ's sake, Henson, it's a deadline, not a death sentence! Suck it the hell up!")

8. The doctor is HAPPY when you gain weight.

7. You get fifty chances to answer things. "What color is Elmo? Look, looooooook at Elmo. What color is he? Is he blue? Nooooooo! Is he purple? Nooooooooooo! What color is he? He's like a firetruck, vroom-vroom!"

6. Christmas doesn't cost you anything.

5. Once you become a grownup, it isn't okay to piss down your leg anymore. (Don't ask me how I know this.)

4. Being selfish still looks cute.

3. Grownups never really know whether or not what you do is an accident...so you can usually escape an ass-reddening by looking innocent. "Okay, honey, Mommy believes you weren't really trying to lop off Baby Brother's head with that garden hose."

2. Cookies cure everything. Everything.

And the number one reason it's great to be a preschooler:

1. For now, pinching a 21-year-old girl's ass in the supermarket is ADORABLE.