My Head is Going to Explode
I have to get away from "autism research" for a while. I have to back off of autism sites (the ones for family-members-of, and the ones for ASD individuals themselves). I think I will re-name this blog, too. If anyone has any ideas, please feel free to let me know. I can't do it right now--I just can't think about it.
My head is going to explode from all the worrying, all the reading, all the conflicting information, all the arguing--holy SHIT but there's a lot of arguing in this community in general--and from, well, thinking of my family as "abnormal".
What if this IS our "normal"?
I am SO FUCKING TIRED of having to think, night and day, "What about Colin? What about Colin? What about Colin?" as if he's some sort of freak or something. He's not! He's a boy, a human boy, a very cute, sweet, funny human boy. Why am I required to "worry about" him night and day? What if it's OKAY that he is autistic?
(/lightbulb going off)
No more for a while. I've punished myself enough for not having raised Joey perfectly (for the love of Christ, I was 19) and "making him" sensory-integratory disordered. I've punished myself enough for not breastfeeding Colin and for letting him have vaccinations. I've felt the shame of being embarrassed that my son doesn't speak--no more. To hell with the bleached-fried-cigarette buying bitch who ALWAYS seems to land next to me at WalMart and casts eyes or aspersions in my son's direction for not acting The Perfect Little Man. To hell with my in-laws, grinding "IsColinAnyBetterYetIsColinAnyBetterYet" into my ears at least once a freaking week. NO, HE'S NOT ANY BETTER. HE COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER BECAUSE I FRANKLY THINK HE'S PRETTY MUCH HOT SHIT RIGHT NOW! So what more could I ask for?
Done. (brushing hands smartly together) For a little while, I am taking a vacation from Feeling Different. Right now I don't CARE if we're different.
And on that note...for the love of Mike, it's nearly 2AM. Time for bed.