My Head is Going to Explode
I have to get away from "autism research" for a while. I have to back off of autism sites (the ones for family-members-of, and the ones for ASD individuals themselves). I think I will re-name this blog, too. If anyone has any ideas, please feel free to let me know. I can't do it right now--I just can't think about it.
My head is going to explode from all the worrying, all the reading, all the conflicting information, all the arguing--holy SHIT but there's a lot of arguing in this community in general--and from, well, thinking of my family as "abnormal".
What if this IS our "normal"?
I am SO FUCKING TIRED of having to think, night and day, "What about Colin? What about Colin? What about Colin?" as if he's some sort of freak or something. He's not! He's a boy, a human boy, a very cute, sweet, funny human boy. Why am I required to "worry about" him night and day? What if it's OKAY that he is autistic?
(/lightbulb going off)
No more for a while. I've punished myself enough for not having raised Joey perfectly (for the love of Christ, I was 19) and "making him" sensory-integratory disordered. I've punished myself enough for not breastfeeding Colin and for letting him have vaccinations. I've felt the shame of being embarrassed that my son doesn't speak--no more. To hell with the bleached-fried-cigarette buying bitch who ALWAYS seems to land next to me at WalMart and casts eyes or aspersions in my son's direction for not acting The Perfect Little Man. To hell with my in-laws, grinding "IsColinAnyBetterYetIsColinAnyBetterYet" into my ears at least once a freaking week. NO, HE'S NOT ANY BETTER. HE COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER BECAUSE I FRANKLY THINK HE'S PRETTY MUCH HOT SHIT RIGHT NOW! So what more could I ask for?
Done. (brushing hands smartly together) For a little while, I am taking a vacation from Feeling Different. Right now I don't CARE if we're different.
And on that note...for the love of Mike, it's nearly 2AM. Time for bed.
posted by Not HER Again @ 1:51 AM
7 Comments:
Hi,
I am so with you on this one. I started the autism process 15 years ago, with our first born. After a total of 5 being diagnosed in our house, it didn't seem to get any easier.
As the years went by, and they go mighty fast, I realized that I was trying to fix something that will fix itself.
Our oldest is now 15. When she was first diagnosed, I wanted to make it better. She has taught us that through her life, she did not want it to be changed. She has showed us that she is an amazing, loving, smart young lady. We are so proud of her.
Luckily, for the others, she paved the way on how we would treat them. How we would accept them. You know what, it is working.
I still get the stares at Walmart also. I just smile back and give my child a great big hug. Those people will never know how lucky we are to have such wonderful children in our lives. I feel really sorry for them, and really happy for me.
When you first get involved with all the good advice from people, you need to step back and go through it slowly. Do what is best for your family. Do what is best for your child. But, most important, be sure to let him be a child.
It is OK that Colin is autistic.
I understand that you need a break from the boards, etc., but I hope you'll keep blogging. I appreciate your honesty and humor.
Peeps, I love ya, will you marry me? Oh wait, I'm already married. Plus, it's to a guy! :P Your words always uplift me. Thank you.
Ahem-
If anyone gets to marry bopeep, it's me. First off I have to figure out how to get rid of our pesky husbands...
And didn't you get the memo? Different is cool.
Well now THAT'S true, JT. How could anything be wrong when he looks like you...
Soapboxmom, ohhhhhhhhhh no, I only just proposed and I have competition already???? We don't necessarily have to get rid of the husbands. I mean SOMEBODY'S got to parallel park the car for us.
Now, girls, there is plenty of me to go around. My keyboard has enough e-love for all. I'm happy to be sharing our adventures in autism!
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